When employees give you answers to your questions that you
don’t find acceptable, especially when they are obviously
regurgitating company policy which has been drilled into their
skulls by management, always request a manager. Either the
supervisor will cave in for public relation purposes and grant
you whatever ridiculous solution your greedy heart desires,
demeaning the clerk in the process, or they will stand firm
in support of the stance that their underling took, letting you
leave the store in a huff of righteous indignation. In any
event, you win.

Be sure to complain to each employee, and possibly management
about how there are not enough workers, even though they know
this even better than you do. Also, delay your own transaction and
those of the people behind you by going off on a rant about how
long you have waited in line, wasting even more of your time,
instead of thanking the person who is trying to get you the fuck
out of the store for helping you. Ignore the evil looks and sighs
and angry talking between the other customers as you make a
total ass of yourself. Don’t bother calling the CEO, who is making
more money by not hiring enough people to help their customers.

While shopping, and using fitting rooms, (where applicable) please
never put anything back where you found it. This makes earning an
unlivable wage all the more pleasant for the wage-slave, and serves
as training for employees, helping them get to know the department.
It is especially helpful, to throw things on the floor. This is
particularly considerate of injured, disabled, and older employees,
as well as other customers who might be looking for the item that
you obviously were not.

If you have any children, please ensure that they are loud, rude,
and completely out of control at all times. Let them climb on
dangerous fixtures, creating massive spills for employees to
clean up, ensuring future job security, as well as a pleasant
experience for fellow shoppers. Also, it is helpful to let your kids
rip open packages and scatter toys about, so that they might
be thrown away, resulting in corporate loss (which helps with
layoffs and lower wages), or discounted severely, which is
great for less fortunate shoppers.

Don’t bother deciding what you are actually going to purchase
during the shopping process, instead bring it with you, and throw
it all around the cashier area, or stand and make others wait as
you deliberate and finally hand it to the cashier for them to put
away your mess for minimum wage.

When you find an item with no price, don’t bother employees
on the sales floor who know the area and items, instead ask the
cashier, who will then call the salespeople to help you while other
customers stand and curse you and the cashier stresses and nods
apologetically to the other customers as they attempt to not hit
or strangle you.

When you find an item without a price tag, say “I guess it’s free
then” and laugh, expecting the employee, who has heard this
several million times to find it as amusing as the first time.

When attempting to purchase an item, always ask if the price
indicated is actually the price. You never know, that $100 jacket
might be on sale today only for $0.99!

When asking for a possible mark-down on a slightly imperfect item,
especially when the said item is already shown to be marked down,
don’t trouble the workers on the sales floor. Instead wait until
checking out, so the other customer in line can benefit from your
entertaining bartering with the manager, when the manager finally
comes out of hiding to help the cashier.

When returning an item, be sure to either misplace the receipt,
(preferably not realizing that until looking through your stack of
receipts in your wallet or purse at the register as everyone waits)
or if you do have the receipt, be sure that it is faded and crumpled
beyond any recognition, so the cashier will be unable to scan the
bar code or read any pertinent information required to complete
your return. That way you can both enjoy the wait for a manager,
together.

When returning an item, also be sure to lose or destroy any and
all original packaging, and preferably also any tag indicating brand,
model, and price. If at all possible be sure the item looks and functions
as if it has been used, so the cashier must wait for a manager to
argue with you but finally give in and give you what you want, which
is of course credit for something that either didn’t even come from this
store, or that you got here and used for months or years, and now
want to get something else with, that you will also return at a later
date, in similar condition, and likely at another store.

When using the restrooms, be as dirty as you wanna be. It is polite
to draw and/or carve graffiti, using markers, feces, knives, or spray
paint. This can be done on mirrors, fixtures (hand dryers, change
tables), and the doors and walls of stalls. Be creative; your audience
will thank you for it. Include misspelled praises of Satan (Satin),
claims of sexual fortitude and prowess, phone numbers of any
promiscuous person you know of, gang slogans and logos, and
racial slurs and threats. Nothing improves the experience of shitting
in public more than a little light reading or writing, and you can leave
satisfied in the knowledge that some poor wage-slave will have to
clean your feces cave drawings, or repaint over your offensive,
albeit quite creative endeavors.