When making reservations, lie about the size of your party to
score a big spacious table with shoulder room. That way, if the
establishment seats your (supposedly) incomplete party, you
can enjoy your breathing room, taking comfort in the fact that
the server is going to make less tips and the eatery is going to
have people waiting or being turned away because of unused
seats. Don’t sweat it.

If you enter and are not immediately greeted by the host, hostess,
waiter, waitress, or a manager, seat yourself and your party and
just assume that someone will know that you need service, especially
when the restaurant is full and busy. This way, when someone comes
to the table, you can complain, or, even better, if you have to wait
a while for someone and/or go looking for help, you can complain
even more.

When your server first comes to the table, be sure to either ignore
them completely, continuing your conversation (which is best if
loud and offensive), or, alternatively, begin the exchange with
some kind of insulting statement or aggressive ultimatum about
how you expect better service and/or food than last time. Just
assume that your server is as incompetent or inattentive as
whomever has served you poorly in the past. Don’t even give
them a chance!

Don’t bother remembering the name of the person helping you,
especially when they have a name tag. That way, when you ask
someone else to help you or to get your server or to let your server
know you want something, you can come up with an interesting,
hopefully personally slanderous description of your server, and
hope the other employee can derive from this whom you are
talking about.

If you find your server physically attractive, make them uncomfortable
by undressing them with your eyes, winking, making inappropriate
(sexually suggestive) comments and/or advances, or possibly even
attempting to grope or fondle them. Assume that if you tip them well,
especially over the course of multiple visits, that they will eventually
realize that they should go out with you, have sex with you, marry
you, or whatever it is that you are dreaming of. This kind of thing
seems classiest when you have been drinking and can blame the
alcohol…

If you are racist, sexist, or ageist, be sure to make this obvious
in your treatment of your server. And be loud enough about it
so that not only those in your party, but even other tables and
workers get the full effect of your small minded abuse.

Never explain up front whether you want one or separate checks.
That makes it too easy. And if the server bothers to ask, so they
can keep track of what each person is ordering (especially for
large parties), tell them it will be one check, and then at the
end change your mind. It takes forever, and is fun for everybody!

Why bother ordering a soda or lemonade when you can just
order water and keep asking for more sugar and/or lemons?
Be cheap. Rip them off. They will remember and love you for
it! It’s also fun to order a drink you’ve never tried, without so
much as asking for a description or sample, and then ask for
something else, and to not be charged for the drink you are
wasting.

Never, ever order anything the way it comes. Always ask for
less, more, or some kind of alteration or substitution. Not only
is it quite often insulting to the chef who created the combinations,
but it’s hard to explain to the kitchen workers and any other
servers who might run the food for your server.

Don’t waste your breath asking that things you don’t like and
don’t intend to eat be left off your order. It’s just food, after all.
The more that gets bought, prepared, and then wasted, becoming
methane producing landfill fodder (contributing to global warming),
the better! It takes way too much effort to ask the server to leave
off that side item you don’t care for…

If you’ve talked to the manager, even once, always tell your
server how you are friends with them, and how they always
let you order things your special way or give you a special
discount. It’s fun for the server when they go to verify with
the manager and get to hear about how presumptuous you
are.

If your server doesn’t come around to check on you often enough
to keep you stocked with what you need to enjoy your visit, instead
of politely asking them if they need to ask someone else for help, or
mentioning to a manager that they look like they are busy and working
hard need less tables or more assistance, instead become irrationally
angry and make a big scene. That will allow your server to run faster
and force their other customers and the cooks in the kitchen to not
make them wait so long on orders, payments, and food, so they can
help you better.

If your server comes around more often than you would like, instead
of politely informing them that you are all doing fine and they don’t
need to worry about you again for “X” number of minutes or until
you signal them, become enraged and complain about wanting
peace, privacy, or whatever, and then inform them that their
bothering you is going to negatively affect their tip. This will
make you a favorite!

When paying your bill, make it unclear whether you are waiting
on the server to ring you out, by not placing your credit card
in the (visible) slot provided. As your server makes passes by
and/or watches from a distance, don’t indicate with any kind
of signal or body language when you are ready to pay, or
when your payment is ready. That way, you waste your time
and their’s, and it gives you something else to complain about.

When paying with cash, either use as large a bill as possible,
so the server will probably have to get change from another
server, the bar, the manager, or the office, or use lots of small
change, and don’t explain that the loose coins will fall out of
the tray (under the bills) or out of the book the receipt was
in. Either way, you waste more time and make the server look
and feel incompetent.

When tipping, if you even bother with such nonsense at all,
always leave the bare minimum. Try to get away with 10%
(or less?), but never go over 15%. I mean, come on, a lot
of these servers are making up to $2.25 an hour! Why
contribute to their unfair wealth by giving them even more?

After your meal, stay as long as possible without ordering anything else.
If you want to have a 2 or 3 hour conversation, don’t bother going to a
bar or home; stay and occupy a table, so the server makes less tips for
the day and thus will have even more problems paying their overwhelming
bills. This is especially helpful if the server has a small section,
and/or other parties are also “camping” at their other tables.

If something about your experience is less than perfect, instead of
letting your server and/or the management know about it, just go
out in the world and talk trash about the establishment, and/or go
online and write a nasty review or blog. That’s mature, and kind!