Before calling the help center, be sure not to use common sense,
making sure that things are plugged in and that you have electricity,
etc. Also, don’t try simple things like rebooting your computer. It’s
better to waste the time of the agent and of other callers while your
ancient machine slowly shuts down and restarts.

Never consult your products paper or electronic manual, or search for
solutions on the company’s website or elsewhere on the Internet. That
kind of pro-active self help is just plain stupid. Why bother, right?

If the person taking your call has an accent different from yours,
instead of listening carefully to understand them, and appreciate
their help, instead immediately decide that they are less intelligent
than yourself, and are a “rude foreigner”. If the call center taking
your call is in your own country and speaks your own language,
don’t worry, it probably won’t be for long, as mega companies
exploit cheap labor at the expense of their own countries workers
and customers. Thank your political representative for ensuring
that is stays this way.

If you have to wait on hold for longer than you like, or be transferred,
waste even more of your valuable time telling the representative
how much of your valuable time has already been wasted. Make
sure they understand, even if it takes 30 to 45 minutes, that you
are very angry about having had to wait for 30 to 45 minutes. If
you waste as much of their time as you already waited, perhaps
then they will truly understand your situation, and will champion
your cause, all the way to the corporate executive, and get more
reps hired to decrease call times. Or perhaps they will just be
less likely to want to help or understand you. Either way, you can
be consoled by the fact that you have just contributed to the hold
time of the people after you in the queue.

If you are informed, after explaining your issue, that you have
either reached the wrong department, or that due to the info
that you have provided, it has been realized that another
department might better help you, become agitated and
unreasonable, and insist that whomever you are speaking to,
regardless of training, experience, qualification, or authorization,
be the one who helps you. This will immediately ingratiate you
to the representative, letting them know that you are willing to
help yourself to fix this problem. If the rep still insists on escalating
or transferring the call, waste more of your time (and everyone
else’s) by holding for a supervisor, so they can tell you the same
thing and then transfer you anyway, or waste more of your time
by trying to help you, when they have less experience than the
agent who was originally trying to help you.

When a representative is attempting to assist you with your issue,
by all means, do not listen or follow instructions. Skip ahead to
what you think they are going to have you try, start trying random
things, and/or do what the last person you talked to had you try.
This will ensure that your problem becomes worse, strengthening
the desperate bond between customer and agent. Then, while the
rep is explaining what you should be seeing, instructing you where
to look, look elsewhere and repeatedly insist that they are wrong or
that is not on your screen. Then finally, realizing that you are stupid,
say “that’s weird; now it’s there”

While on the phone with a representative, yell at your pets, kids,
spouse or roommates, or alternatively, tell an interesting story about
your life. Technical support is widely known to be a synonym for
“emotional support”. Don’t waste the time of the people at the
dating service or the suicide hotline.

If the agent is of the opposite sex (or the same, if that be your
fancy), then, by all means, make suggestive comments, ask
embarrassing personal questions, and finally, engage in awkward
sexual advances, offers, or boastful claims. If this doesn’t get
you hung up on or transferred, and the rep helps you anyway,
then, regardless of their tone, assume that they are into you,
and ask for them by name next time, naively assuming that the
next time you call, you are speaking to a person sitting next to
them, rather than someone in another building possibly in
another country.

If the agent is of a gender or race or culture that you consider to
be incompetent or otherwise inferior, be condescending and abusive,
or even ask to be helped by someone of your own kind. If the agent
sounds younger than yourself, assume that they are inexperienced
and won’t be able to help you, and be insulting or ask to be helped
by someone else. If the agent sounds older than yourself, assume
that they are antiquated and out of touch with current issues,
products, and techniques, and be abusive or ask to be helped by
someone else. This kind of self righteousness is the kind of classy
that never goes out of style, and when the agent transfers you,
explaining what an ass you are, you can be sure that their friend
will do everything possible to help you!

When making reservations, lie about the size of your party to
score a big spacious table with shoulder room. That way, if the
establishment seats your (supposedly) incomplete party, you
can enjoy your breathing room, taking comfort in the fact that
the server is going to make less tips and the eatery is going to
have people waiting or being turned away because of unused
seats. Don’t sweat it.

If you enter and are not immediately greeted by the host, hostess,
waiter, waitress, or a manager, seat yourself and your party and
just assume that someone will know that you need service, especially
when the restaurant is full and busy. This way, when someone comes
to the table, you can complain, or, even better, if you have to wait
a while for someone and/or go looking for help, you can complain
even more.

When your server first comes to the table, be sure to either ignore
them completely, continuing your conversation (which is best if
loud and offensive), or, alternatively, begin the exchange with
some kind of insulting statement or aggressive ultimatum about
how you expect better service and/or food than last time. Just
assume that your server is as incompetent or inattentive as
whomever has served you poorly in the past. Don’t even give
them a chance!

Don’t bother remembering the name of the person helping you,
especially when they have a name tag. That way, when you ask
someone else to help you or to get your server or to let your server
know you want something, you can come up with an interesting,
hopefully personally slanderous description of your server, and
hope the other employee can derive from this whom you are
talking about.

If you find your server physically attractive, make them uncomfortable
by undressing them with your eyes, winking, making inappropriate
(sexually suggestive) comments and/or advances, or possibly even
attempting to grope or fondle them. Assume that if you tip them well,
especially over the course of multiple visits, that they will eventually
realize that they should go out with you, have sex with you, marry
you, or whatever it is that you are dreaming of. This kind of thing
seems classiest when you have been drinking and can blame the
alcohol…

If you are racist, sexist, or ageist, be sure to make this obvious
in your treatment of your server. And be loud enough about it
so that not only those in your party, but even other tables and
workers get the full effect of your small minded abuse.

Never explain up front whether you want one or separate checks.
That makes it too easy. And if the server bothers to ask, so they
can keep track of what each person is ordering (especially for
large parties), tell them it will be one check, and then at the
end change your mind. It takes forever, and is fun for everybody!

Why bother ordering a soda or lemonade when you can just
order water and keep asking for more sugar and/or lemons?
Be cheap. Rip them off. They will remember and love you for
it! It’s also fun to order a drink you’ve never tried, without so
much as asking for a description or sample, and then ask for
something else, and to not be charged for the drink you are
wasting.

Never, ever order anything the way it comes. Always ask for
less, more, or some kind of alteration or substitution. Not only
is it quite often insulting to the chef who created the combinations,
but it’s hard to explain to the kitchen workers and any other
servers who might run the food for your server.

Don’t waste your breath asking that things you don’t like and
don’t intend to eat be left off your order. It’s just food, after all.
The more that gets bought, prepared, and then wasted, becoming
methane producing landfill fodder (contributing to global warming),
the better! It takes way too much effort to ask the server to leave
off that side item you don’t care for…

If you’ve talked to the manager, even once, always tell your
server how you are friends with them, and how they always
let you order things your special way or give you a special
discount. It’s fun for the server when they go to verify with
the manager and get to hear about how presumptuous you
are.

If your server doesn’t come around to check on you often enough
to keep you stocked with what you need to enjoy your visit, instead
of politely asking them if they need to ask someone else for help, or
mentioning to a manager that they look like they are busy and working
hard need less tables or more assistance, instead become irrationally
angry and make a big scene. That will allow your server to run faster
and force their other customers and the cooks in the kitchen to not
make them wait so long on orders, payments, and food, so they can
help you better.

If your server comes around more often than you would like, instead
of politely informing them that you are all doing fine and they don’t
need to worry about you again for “X” number of minutes or until
you signal them, become enraged and complain about wanting
peace, privacy, or whatever, and then inform them that their
bothering you is going to negatively affect their tip. This will
make you a favorite!

When paying your bill, make it unclear whether you are waiting
on the server to ring you out, by not placing your credit card
in the (visible) slot provided. As your server makes passes by
and/or watches from a distance, don’t indicate with any kind
of signal or body language when you are ready to pay, or
when your payment is ready. That way, you waste your time
and their’s, and it gives you something else to complain about.

When paying with cash, either use as large a bill as possible,
so the server will probably have to get change from another
server, the bar, the manager, or the office, or use lots of small
change, and don’t explain that the loose coins will fall out of
the tray (under the bills) or out of the book the receipt was
in. Either way, you waste more time and make the server look
and feel incompetent.

When tipping, if you even bother with such nonsense at all,
always leave the bare minimum. Try to get away with 10%
(or less?), but never go over 15%. I mean, come on, a lot
of these servers are making up to $2.25 an hour! Why
contribute to their unfair wealth by giving them even more?

After your meal, stay as long as possible without ordering anything else.
If you want to have a 2 or 3 hour conversation, don’t bother going to a
bar or home; stay and occupy a table, so the server makes less tips for
the day and thus will have even more problems paying their overwhelming
bills. This is especially helpful if the server has a small section,
and/or other parties are also “camping” at their other tables.

If something about your experience is less than perfect, instead of
letting your server and/or the management know about it, just go
out in the world and talk trash about the establishment, and/or go
online and write a nasty review or blog. That’s mature, and kind!

When employees give you answers to your questions that you
don’t find acceptable, especially when they are obviously
regurgitating company policy which has been drilled into their
skulls by management, always request a manager. Either the
supervisor will cave in for public relation purposes and grant
you whatever ridiculous solution your greedy heart desires,
demeaning the clerk in the process, or they will stand firm
in support of the stance that their underling took, letting you
leave the store in a huff of righteous indignation. In any
event, you win.

Be sure to complain to each employee, and possibly management
about how there are not enough workers, even though they know
this even better than you do. Also, delay your own transaction and
those of the people behind you by going off on a rant about how
long you have waited in line, wasting even more of your time,
instead of thanking the person who is trying to get you the fuck
out of the store for helping you. Ignore the evil looks and sighs
and angry talking between the other customers as you make a
total ass of yourself. Don’t bother calling the CEO, who is making
more money by not hiring enough people to help their customers.

While shopping, and using fitting rooms, (where applicable) please
never put anything back where you found it. This makes earning an
unlivable wage all the more pleasant for the wage-slave, and serves
as training for employees, helping them get to know the department.
It is especially helpful, to throw things on the floor. This is
particularly considerate of injured, disabled, and older employees,
as well as other customers who might be looking for the item that
you obviously were not.

If you have any children, please ensure that they are loud, rude,
and completely out of control at all times. Let them climb on
dangerous fixtures, creating massive spills for employees to
clean up, ensuring future job security, as well as a pleasant
experience for fellow shoppers. Also, it is helpful to let your kids
rip open packages and scatter toys about, so that they might
be thrown away, resulting in corporate loss (which helps with
layoffs and lower wages), or discounted severely, which is
great for less fortunate shoppers.

Don’t bother deciding what you are actually going to purchase
during the shopping process, instead bring it with you, and throw
it all around the cashier area, or stand and make others wait as
you deliberate and finally hand it to the cashier for them to put
away your mess for minimum wage.

When you find an item with no price, don’t bother employees
on the sales floor who know the area and items, instead ask the
cashier, who will then call the salespeople to help you while other
customers stand and curse you and the cashier stresses and nods
apologetically to the other customers as they attempt to not hit
or strangle you.

When you find an item without a price tag, say “I guess it’s free
then” and laugh, expecting the employee, who has heard this
several million times to find it as amusing as the first time.

When attempting to purchase an item, always ask if the price
indicated is actually the price. You never know, that $100 jacket
might be on sale today only for $0.99!

When asking for a possible mark-down on a slightly imperfect item,
especially when the said item is already shown to be marked down,
don’t trouble the workers on the sales floor. Instead wait until
checking out, so the other customer in line can benefit from your
entertaining bartering with the manager, when the manager finally
comes out of hiding to help the cashier.

When returning an item, be sure to either misplace the receipt,
(preferably not realizing that until looking through your stack of
receipts in your wallet or purse at the register as everyone waits)
or if you do have the receipt, be sure that it is faded and crumpled
beyond any recognition, so the cashier will be unable to scan the
bar code or read any pertinent information required to complete
your return. That way you can both enjoy the wait for a manager,
together.

When returning an item, also be sure to lose or destroy any and
all original packaging, and preferably also any tag indicating brand,
model, and price. If at all possible be sure the item looks and functions
as if it has been used, so the cashier must wait for a manager to
argue with you but finally give in and give you what you want, which
is of course credit for something that either didn’t even come from this
store, or that you got here and used for months or years, and now
want to get something else with, that you will also return at a later
date, in similar condition, and likely at another store.

When using the restrooms, be as dirty as you wanna be. It is polite
to draw and/or carve graffiti, using markers, feces, knives, or spray
paint. This can be done on mirrors, fixtures (hand dryers, change
tables), and the doors and walls of stalls. Be creative; your audience
will thank you for it. Include misspelled praises of Satan (Satin),
claims of sexual fortitude and prowess, phone numbers of any
promiscuous person you know of, gang slogans and logos, and
racial slurs and threats. Nothing improves the experience of shitting
in public more than a little light reading or writing, and you can leave
satisfied in the knowledge that some poor wage-slave will have to
clean your feces cave drawings, or repaint over your offensive,
albeit quite creative endeavors.